Do we really need to be more stupid than we already are?

A man in Calais, Maine was drinking on the Fourth of July and was killed instantly when he placed a type of fireworks called a "mortar" on top of his head and lit it. In case you don't know what a mortar is, this Youtube video shows some possibly inebriated men setting one off in their garage.

I don't know how stupid such people are when they're not drinking. There's good evidence, though, that however stupid you are normally, drinking makes you more so.

We don't need to be more stupid, most of us anyway. It has been speculated that IQ drops 30 points when you drink. If so, then when Stephen Hawking drinks, his IQ falls from 160 to 130, about the same as mine, so no problem, provided he's not trying to do theoretical physics. If your IQ is average (100) though, it falls to 70, which is classified as "mild mental retardation". I'm sure you have realized from experience that most people become "mentally retarded" when they drink.

Well, so what? What's the problem with a little chemically induced mental retardation now and then to liven things up a bit? Assuming you don't have any fireworks or, more to the point, firearms within reach, what's the harm?

As middle class Americans, we can afford a certain amount of stupidity and not starve. However, here are some things that you should not do after drinking, because stupidity in these contexts can have dire consequences:

• Begin new sexual relationships.
• Have important discussions with your family, co-workers or clients.
• Make investment decisions.
• Make expensive purchases.
• Operate machinery or motorized vehicles.
• Vote.
• Gamble.
• Use fireworks or firearms.
• Fail to follow these rules.

That last one is a problem. Everything will probably be OK if you just remember to not do those dangerous things when you've been drinking. But the problem is, you've been drinking, so you're mentally retarded, so you won't remember not to make life-altering mistakes. Stupid is stupid. When you're stupid, you're also stupid about being stupid.

When you're not drinking, you probably know how smart you are, or aren't. When you drink, you think you're a whole lot smarter but you're actually a whole lot stupider. In fact, it tends to make you feel like Superman or Superwoman. Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings with a single bound. Able to set off powerful fireworks on your head and live to tell about it.

The only real way to avoid alcohol-induced disaster is: don't drink, unless you're Stephen Hawking.

Bottoms up, Stephen!